A few days ago, I figured out how to include the Wikio rankings badge on my blog, up there top-right. As I was number one, I was quite pleased with the result. I enjoyed looking at it. But only days later, I’m staring at a big fat number two. The Brew Dog Blog has overtaken me to become Britain’s most influential beer or wine blog. I wish I’d never suggested to Wikio that they include them, now. I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all. I want my top spot back. But how? I’ve been giving this some thought, and the answer is obvious. Brew Dog are experts at generating publicity, and this last month has seen their most ambitious scheme yet. They promised us they were going to change the world, trailed it weeks in advance. And while Equity for Punks may not have been the miracle it promised to be, it generated endless discussion online, with countless links to the Brew Dog blog, where it was hotly debated. That’s surely the reason Brew Dog succeeded on overtaking me. Well, two can play at that game. Soon – at a date I’ll think of in a minute – I’m going to announce something that’s better than changing the world forever. It will make changing the world forever look like changing your position slightly in a leather armchair to make yourself more comfortable, emitting a slight farting sound as you do so. What I am going to announce won’t just change the world. It will change the very laws of the universe. Time will run backwards. The speed of light will slow. Light itself will become liquid. Gravity will reverse. Dinosaurs shall walk the earth once more. Base metals shall turn into gold. You will believe a man can fly. Yea, New Order shall reform and even rediscover the ability to write a decent tune. Just you wait and see. I’m not kidding. I’m not exaggerating. (OK, maybe I am just a little with the New Order bit.) What I am about to announce – at 2am on 25th December, that’ll do – will rock the foundations of existence to their very core. In fact it’s so incredible, it can’t be held back. I can’t stop myself. I’m going to announce it right now. Right here. Brace yourself. What Brew Dog don’t understand is that Punk is now really old. It was 33 years ago, guys! Sid Vicious is dead. John Lydon is advertising butter on TV. Sham 69 are… well, I’m not sure what Sham 69 are doing. But equity for punks? That’s equity for blokes in their fifties with slightly waxy pallor after too many years hard living, who now mainly drink mineral water. Lame! Equity for Punks is also divisive – not everyone likes punk rock. It’s really noisy! They’re shouting, not singing. You can hardly hear the words. So here’s my universe changing idea: Equity For People With Interesting And Varied Mixes On Their iPods That Might Contain Some Punk And Alternative Stuff But There’s Probably A Bit Of Coldplay On There Too If You’re Honest. EFPWIAVMOTiTMCSPAASBTPABOCOTTIYH for short. Or maybe just Equ-i-Pod, thinking about it. Equ-i-pod gives you the chance to become part of Pete Brown’s Beer Blog. That’s right: I’m offering shares in what is currently – according to the judges of last year’s beer writers’ awards and now Wikio – Britain’s second-best beer blog. Equ-i-PodBlog then. No, Equ-i-PodBlogTM. That’s more like it. Equ-i-PodBlogTM will give you a 0.01% share in Pete Brown’s Beer Blog. As a shareholder, you’ll be able to leave comments on my posts – literally becoming part of the blog itself! You can even make suggestions for things you’d like me to write about if you like. Cynics may argue that because Pete Brown’s Beer Blog has no monetary value whatsoever then your shares are worthless. But don’t listen to them. That’s not what it’s really about. It’s more about being part of something exciting that’s got something to do with beer. And anyway, that’s not all you get. I’m also offering a lifetime discount on purchases of my books (conditional on you buying them through Amazon – it’s currently 40% off Hops & Glory I think). So: Equ-i-PodBlogTM is more up-to-date and inclusive than Equity for Punks. Equ-i-PodBlogTM gives you something even better than a genuine stake in an exciting, iconoclastic and rapidly expanding brewery. And thirdly, Equ-i-PodBlogTM is way, way cheaper than what Brew Dog are doing. I’m not going to ask you for £230 a share. I’m not going to ask you for £100 a share. I’m not even going to ask you for £50 a share. A tenner. Oh go on then, a fiver. A crisp fiver, and tell you what, I’ll give you three shares. You can’t say fairer than that. I’m robbing myself blind here. I’ll be having a pint to launch it at the Rake, probably, some time over the weekend. Tell your friends. Link to my blog by any means possible. Have a heated debate in the comments section. Twitter as if your life depended on it. Drive more traffic to my blog. Because now, it’s your blog too. And James and Martin – enjoy the view from up there at number one. Enjoy it while you still can, boys.
Pete Brown is a British writer who specialises in making people thirsty. He is the author of nine books and writes widely in the drinks trade press and consumer press.