The Daily Mash do it yet again. Thanks to David Mace for pointing this out to me. Intriguing case in point that they seem to think Tokyo is a “super strength lager”…
DINNER PARTY CRAZE FOR PREMIUM STRENGTH LAGER
|A NEW range of boutique 18% lagers are becoming the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals who really like a fight.
It goes really well with tiramisu and bits of tooth
According to the manufacturers, Tokyo beer lends an ‘authentic taste of bohemian street culture to staid social occasions’.
A spokesman said: “It means you can punch fellow guests who get on your tits, because afterwards you can just blame the drink. And chances are you won’t remember doing it anyway.”
Jennie Hargreaves, a public relations consultant from Hatfield, said: “I serve Tokyo at all my parties and the guests soon become too incoherent to have the same old boring conversations about school fees and the Booker Prize.
“By the time I bring out the tiramisu someone’s usually got a dessert fork in their eye. That sort of thing used to really bother me, but these days I’m just too pissed to care.”
Tom Logan, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: “I was at a housewarming in an executive apartment building. The Tokyo was flowing freely and this lawyer starts on about school fees.
“I’m like, ‘I couldn’t give a fuck about your fucking school fees, kid are all bastards anyways’, and then I hit him with a chair, fell backwards through a table and soiled myself.
“Then they threw me out and I was all covered in blood and glass and I was crying a lot. But then I remembered I’d snuck a couple of bottles into my coat. I was so chuffed that I spent the rest of the evening sitting in a bus shelter, muttering to myself.”
He added: “Tokyo is certainly well-crafted with an intruiging palate – but more importantly it’s a fantastic ice breaker.
“If only it wasn’t so moreish, I probably wouldn’t be sleeping in a public toilet.”
Those Daily Mash
boys have been at it again. This has been sent to me by two people so far so I think it deserves to be shared here. Thanks Rudgie and Peter Russell.
MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.
At least none of these bar stools are smoking
As it was revealed that 2000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to.
Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: “I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed.
“But then I didn’t, mainly because I’m not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned.
“Now it turns out that nobody else is going either because quite a lot of the people who used to go to the pub also liked to smoke. But none of this explains why all the pubs are closing down.”
Julian Cook, from Devon, said: “Our local pub looks really lovely from the outside. It’s got flower baskets and a nice old fashioned sign. Unfortunately it’s used by local people with accents who dress differently from me and who are, I suspect, incredibly racist.”
Former pub owner Charlie Reeves, from Hereford, said: “We were told that the smoking ban would mean lots of young mums and dads bringing their children in. But that didn’t really help because there’s only so much Guinness you can pour down a three year-old before it falls asleep.
“Then there’s the added factor that a pub with children in it isn’t really a pub, it’s a fucking hell hole.”
A friend recently introduced me to The Daily Mash, a spoof newspaper that will feel familiar to fans of The Onion, but is written in the UK. It’s razor-sharp topical, so much so that I often read the spoof stories on here before I’ve heard the real news headlines they’re taking the piss out of. I thought the following, published today, would amuse readers of this blog. Hopefully they won’t mind me reproducing it in its entirety:
THESE recommended daily limits on alcohol the government has come up with are really not doing it for us, drinkers said last night.Beer and wine enthusiasts across the UK stressed that while three to four units may sound reasonable, it’s obviously not going to get you trousered, even if you’re a lady.They are now calling on the government to rethink its guidelines or better still just leave them alone and go and bother fat people instead.Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor from Northampton, said: “It seems to me that they may have confused a safe daily limit with what I like to call ‘lunch’.”He added: “Of an evening I like to smash through the limit with a convivial pint or two after work, before I then jump up and down on the limit and set fire to it with a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio.”I manage to do all this without bothering anyone else. The worst that happens is an occasional tendency to fall asleep and urinate all over the sofa, but, and I’m sure we’re all agreed, that’s my problem.”Emma Bishop, a marketing executive from Twickenham, added: “How’s about this? As an adult, I think a reasonable daily limit is me drinking as much as I fucking want.”If it affects my work I’ll get sacked. If it affects my relationships I’ll be all lonely and sad.”And as for my health, following a quick glance at my tax bill I’ve decided that the NHS will treat me and the government can keep its fucking opinions to itself.”