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Why are all the pubs closing? ask people who never go to the pub

Those Daily Mash boys have been at it again.  This has been sent to me by two people so far so I think it deserves to be shared here.  Thanks Rudgie and Peter Russell.

MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.


At least none of these bar stools are smoking

As it was revealed that 2000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to.

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: “I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed.

“But then I didn’t, mainly because I’m not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned.

“Now it turns out that nobody else is going either because quite a lot of the people who used to go to the pub also liked to smoke. But none of this explains why all the pubs are closing down.”

Julian Cook, from Devon, said: “Our local pub looks really lovely from the outside. It’s got flower baskets and a nice old fashioned sign. Unfortunately it’s used by local people with accents who dress differently from me and who are, I suspect, incredibly racist.”

Former pub owner Charlie Reeves, from Hereford, said: “We were told that the smoking ban would mean lots of young mums and dads bringing their children in. But that didn’t really help because there’s only so much Guinness you can pour down a three year-old before it falls asleep.

“Then there’s the added factor that a pub with children in it isn’t really a pub, it’s a fucking hell hole.”




Our pubs here had 2 choices… stay smoking and nobody under 21 allowed (including waitresses sadly) or go non-smoking and keep families. Guess which ones are making a mint? Guess how many switched to the no smoking policy shortly after?

I don’t even smoke and I go to the smoking ones because I like girls with raspy voices and addictions.


many a true word said in jest (and other cliches written on the back of a box of England’s Glory)


As we like to say at the bar I work at to patrons who try to bring their young children in. “We don’t go to your child’s daycare and drink do we?”


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